| 9 October 2004 | 2004 10 9
|
What you can learn about chinese etiquette from books tends to be very selective. No guide to chinese culture would be complete without a chapter on how to behave at a formal banquet, but what people actually eat between one banquet and the next is shrouded in mystery! I want to share with you some tips on good manners in normal, everyday situations. Let's consider some generalisations that you might find in a book, and how they actually apply in real life.
NOTE: All the language mentioned here is translated into english. A list of
the original chinese sentences can be found on
this page.
"If you offer tea, your guest will probably decline at first, but they are
only being polite."
This is quite true, at least in the case where you don't know the person very
well, which is why you needn't bother asking your guest if they
want tea or not, you should simply pour it and put it in front of them. Even
so, when they see you pouring it they might say "Not for me, thanks". Don't
be fooled! You should continue pouring even if they sound sincere,
even if they say "Really! I don't want any". Of course, it's possible that
they genuinely aren't in the mood to drink tea, but think of it this way:
serving tea is a polite gesture, and whether they actually want it or not is
irrelevant. If they don't want it, they don't have to drink it. This is
perfectly acceptable and not uncommon, in contrast to Australian culture where
it would appear somewhat rude if you were given something to eat or drink and
didn't even touch it.
If you know the person reasonably well, "to pour or not to pour" becomes more
of a grey area, which you just have to judge as best as you can given the
situation. On the other hand, if you know the person very well then
guest and host can both ignore these courtesiesthe guest will tell
you sincerely if they don't want tea, and you should comply.
You should serve the tea carefully, with two hands if possible, and say
"Please have some tea". Often you can put drinks or snacks right under a
person's nose and they will pay no attention until you specifically invite
them to eat or drink. And if they don't respond the first time, it doesn't
hurt to repeat the invitation. Of course, if you're a guest then you should
also follow this example, and not eat or drink until you are told to.
If you're a guest, you should appear humble by trying to decline the host's
courtesies: tea, attention, or the most comfortable chair. You can say
directly, "No need to be so courteous!"
Just to reiterate, there is no need to ask your guest whether they want tea
or not before you serve it. In fact, sometimes when people ask you if you
want tea it is because they don't actually want to serve you any, but they
feel that they should at least give the appearance of being hospitable.
Likewise, try to refill you guest's cup before it is empty, and don't ask
their permission. To ask a guest whether they would like more tea or not
can sometimes be taken as a hint that they should leave. Also, always
refill your guest's cup before your own.
If you're eating at a restaurant, then generally anybody who can reach the
teapot (or the beer bottle) can take responsibility for refilling the cups.
But again, you
should always refill your own cup last. Also, you should refill the cups
of the most important people first. On no account miss anybody out. Even
if their cup is full, just pour a few more drops into it. If they're paying
attention, they might put their hand over the cup and say "It's full,"
in which case you can skip them. If you really don't want to pour for them,
for example if their cup is full right to the brim, then you should at least
give it a thoughful stare to make it obvious that you haven't ignored it! If
somebody else is doing the refilling, then a polite manoeuvre is to grab
another person's cup and hold it out to be refilled. You'll have to do this
for every other cup within reach, of course, before you can hold up your
own cup.
Refilling other people's cups before your own reflects a basic principle of
chinese etiquette, whereby you should always offer things to other people
before you take them yourself. To give an example of how deeply ingrained
this is, one time I was having a meal and there was a dish of raw garlic
cloves on the table. It wasn't mandatory to eat them, simply a matter of
personal taste, and they were well within my reach. Nevertheless, when the
person beside me
wanted to eat garlic he reached over and took two clovesone for me and
one for himself. Of course, I understood that I didn't have to eat it, that
I could just leave it on the table next to my elbow. (However, I did eat it,
because I like garlic! Raw garlic can be peeled and eaten nibble by nibble
as an accompaniment to really meaty things like kebabs, or in this case cold
chunks of lamb).
The most popular drink in China, as everybody knows, is tea. But how it is
drunk can vary a lot. It might be made in a small pot with careful
consideration given to water temperature and brewing time, or the tealeaves
might be put directly in a cup (or quite commonly, in an old jar with a
screw-top lid!) and water poured over them. Connoisseurs will tell you that
in summer a refreshing cup of green tea is best, while jasmine tea and black
tea are better on cold days. Inner Mongolia is famous for milk tea,
Taiwanese are particularly fond of wulong tea (also called
oolong or tieguanyin), which is halfway between green tea and
black tea, and here in Qinghai many people like their tea strong and salty.
There is a kind of tea called "Eight Treasure Tea" that includes dried fruit,
and often an enormous lump of sugar that slowly dissolves.
Some flower teas don't contain tealeaves at all, and a lot of
restaurants in Dalian serve a "tea" that's made from roasted barley, a
custom that originated in Korea.
"A common greeting among Chinese is 'Have you eaten yet?' "
The chinese equivalent of "Hello" or "How do you do?" is ni hao (there
is also "Good morning" and "Good evening", but they are rarely used). This
greeting, however, is considered too formal to use with people that you know well
(friends, colleagues, classmates, etc). There is no equivalent of the english "Hi"
that can be used in this case, instead people begin with some innocuous questions
such as "Where are you going?" or "Have you eaten yet?". One or two questions
might serve to start a conversation, or they might in fact be the whole
conversation if two people pass each other and want to say something, but don't
have time to stop and chat. This is quite similar to the way that people ask
"How are you?" in english, although it should be noted that in most parts of China
people do not use this question as a greeting. (I say "most parts of
China" because it so happens that in the place where I am nowXining and
the surrounding areayou do sometimes hear this greeting).
In books about chinese culture, you occasionally encounter the following
explanation for the "Have you eaten?" question: during China's history, people
often suffered from famines, or had to struggle to find enough food for their
family, and hence the time of a person's previous meal became a very real and
important topic. I don't believe this myth at all. The part about food
shortage might be true, but China isn't the only country to have experienced
famines over the last few centuries. More than ten percent of Ireland's
population died during the famine of the late 1840s,
but these days the Irish don't go around asking each other "How
many potatoes have you eaten today?" When you consider the chinese habit of
using a question as a greeting, and the fact that there are at least 7 or 8
hours of the day when you can reasonably ask "Have you eaten?", and add to
this the importance of food and drink in chinese culture, it is no surprise that
this question is so common.
Depending on the contextplace, time, person, etcthere are lots of
questions that can serve as greetings: "Have you got a class?", "Did you just
finish class?", "Are you going to work?", etc. It's okay to ask questions
where the answer is perfectly obvious, such as "Don't you have an umbrella?",
or (when you see somebody coming out of their dormitory with a thermos)
"Are you going to fetch water?". A one word answer is all that's required,
and all that's expected. Somebody once asked me "Do you still live in the
same place?" and I was a bit confused and gave them a very long answer.
Afterwards, my friend who had heard the whole thing explained that it was
just another kind of greeting, and an answer of "ng" would have been
sufficient! In some situations, a greeting can just be a statement
such as "You've come!" (or "You've come back!"), to which the person addressed
can simply reply affirmatively: "I've come!"
Chinese have a reputation for often relying on sounds (like a,
o, ng) to express themselves, and to some extent this is true.
The sound ng with a falling tone can serve as a response in many
situations, meaning variously "okay", "thankyou", "yes", etc. To english
speakers this probably seems like a lazy way to answer, but in China it's
somewhat more acceptable. There are chinese characters to represent all
these sounds, and some authors and playwrights use them quite frequently
in dialogue.
"When your guest departs, you should see them to the front door of the building,
or to the elevator at the very least."
Certainly this is true for formal visits, or the first time somebody visits you
at home. The further you see somebody off, the more respectful it is. You might
even see them to a bus stop and wait until a bus comes (for bonus courtesy points,
try to pay for their fare!), and if they have a private car then you should wait
until they have driven away before you turn around. The guest, in turn, should
try to decline the courtesy by saying "No need to see me off!". Generally, you
shouldn't say this until it is clear that the host is going to try to see you
offto say it earlier would seem presumptious.
Common farewells to a guest are "Goodbye", "Go carefully" (or "Drive carefully"),
and "Come again". You can also say these to customers leaving a shop or
restaurant.
If the person is a friend who has visited you a few times before, then you
don't have to see them off. But to show that they haven't forgotten this
courtesy entirely, people will often say "I won't see you off". To this, the
guest should quickly reply "No need to see me off!", as if the thought had
never crossed their mind.
Tea
A Proper Answer
| So the 'ng' will work for anything, eh? When you ask people around here how you should answer these 'unasked' questions, thir first reactions is silence and some thought. It is so much a language habit that they don't know what they do. |
| Wally 12.10.2004 , 12:15 |
| I hear people say hi (hai) and hey (hei) often enough - perhaps because I'm on a college campus? I've heard it even from middle-aged people, though. That said, "Are you going to class?" and "Did you just finish class?" and "Have you eaten?" etc. are much more common. I'll try to pay attention to when exactly I hear the his and heys. I'm a big fan of the "ng". Back during high school, my mother would tell me to answer her questions rather than grunting in response... how different things are here in China! |
| Carly 12.10.2004 , 23:29 |
| why do chineses people eat dog is it like eating sdnails in france be cause its a delicacy |
| ursula from new zealand [] 08.06.2005 , 17:22 |
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