9 October 2004 2004 nian 10 yue 9 hao

Culture: Everyday Etiquette (Part 1)

What you can learn about chinese etiquette from books tends to be very selective. No guide to chinese culture would be complete without a chapter on how to behave at a formal banquet, but what people actually eat between one banquet and the next is shrouded in mystery! I want to share with you some tips on good manners in normal, everyday situations. Let's consider some generalisations that you might find in a book, and how they actually apply in real life.

NOTE: All the language mentioned here is translated into english. A list of the original chinese sentences can be found on this page.

"If you offer tea, your guest will probably decline at first, but they are only being polite."

This is quite true, at least in the case where you don't know the person very well, which is why you needn't bother asking your guest if they want tea or not, you should simply pour it and put it in front of them. Even so, when they see you pouring it they might say "Not for me, thanks". Don't be fooled! You should continue pouring even if they sound sincere, even if they say "Really! I don't want any". Of course, it's possible that they genuinely aren't in the mood to drink tea, but think of it this way: serving tea is a polite gesture, and whether they actually want it or not is irrelevant. If they don't want it, they don't have to drink it. This is perfectly acceptable and not uncommon, in contrast to Australian culture where it would appear somewhat rude if you were given something to eat or drink and didn't even touch it.

If you know the person reasonably well, "to pour or not to pour" becomes more of a grey area, which you just have to judge as best as you can given the situation. On the other hand, if you know the person very well then guest and host can both ignore these courtesies—the guest will tell you sincerely if they don't want tea, and you should comply.

You should serve the tea carefully, with two hands if possible, and say "Please have some tea". Often you can put drinks or snacks right under a person's nose and they will pay no attention until you specifically invite them to eat or drink. And if they don't respond the first time, it doesn't hurt to repeat the invitation. Of course, if you're a guest then you should also follow this example, and not eat or drink until you are told to.

If you're a guest, you should appear humble by trying to decline the host's courtesies: tea, attention, or the most comfortable chair. You can say directly, "No need to be so courteous!"

Just to reiterate, there is no need to ask your guest whether they want tea or not before you serve it. In fact, sometimes when people ask you if you want tea it is because they don't actually want to serve you any, but they feel that they should at least give the appearance of being hospitable. Likewise, try to refill you guest's cup before it is empty, and don't ask their permission. To ask a guest whether they would like more tea or not can sometimes be taken as a hint that they should leave. Also, always refill your guest's cup before your own.

If you're eating at a restaurant, then generally anybody who can reach the teapot (or the beer bottle) can take responsibility for refilling the cups. But again, you should always refill your own cup last. Also, you should refill the cups of the most important people first. On no account miss anybody out. Even if their cup is full, just pour a few more drops into it. If they're paying attention, they might put their hand over the cup and say "It's full," in which case you can skip them. If you really don't want to pour for them, for example if their cup is full right to the brim, then you should at least give it a thoughful stare to make it obvious that you haven't ignored it! If somebody else is doing the refilling, then a polite manoeuvre is to grab another person's cup and hold it out to be refilled. You'll have to do this for every other cup within reach, of course, before you can hold up your own cup.

Refilling other people's cups before your own reflects a basic principle of chinese etiquette, whereby you should always offer things to other people before you take them yourself. To give an example of how deeply ingrained this is, one time I was having a meal and there was a dish of raw garlic cloves on the table. It wasn't mandatory to eat them, simply a matter of personal taste, and they were well within my reach. Nevertheless, when the person beside me wanted to eat garlic he reached over and took two cloves—one for me and one for himself. Of course, I understood that I didn't have to eat it, that I could just leave it on the table next to my elbow. (However, I did eat it, because I like garlic! Raw garlic can be peeled and eaten nibble by nibble as an accompaniment to really meaty things like kebabs, or in this case cold chunks of lamb).

Tea

The most popular drink in China, as everybody knows, is tea. But how it is drunk can vary a lot. It might be made in a small pot with careful consideration given to water temperature and brewing time, or the tealeaves might be put directly in a cup (or quite commonly, in an old jar with a screw-top lid!) and water poured over them. Connoisseurs will tell you that in summer a refreshing cup of green tea is best, while jasmine tea and black tea are better on cold days. Inner Mongolia is famous for milk tea, Taiwanese are particularly fond of wulong tea (also called oolong or tieguanyin), which is halfway between green tea and black tea, and here in Qinghai many people like their tea strong and salty. There is a kind of tea called "Eight Treasure Tea" that includes dried fruit, and often an enormous lump of sugar that slowly dissolves. Some flower teas don't contain tealeaves at all, and a lot of restaurants in Dalian serve a "tea" that's made from roasted barley, a custom that originated in Korea.

"A common greeting among Chinese is 'Have you eaten yet?' "

The chinese equivalent of "Hello" or "How do you do?" is ni hao (there is also "Good morning" and "Good evening", but they are rarely used). This greeting, however, is considered too formal to use with people that you know well (friends, colleagues, classmates, etc). There is no equivalent of the english "Hi" that can be used in this case, instead people begin with some innocuous questions such as "Where are you going?" or "Have you eaten yet?". One or two questions might serve to start a conversation, or they might in fact be the whole conversation if two people pass each other and want to say something, but don't have time to stop and chat. This is quite similar to the way that people ask "How are you?" in english, although it should be noted that in most parts of China people do not use this question as a greeting. (I say "most parts of China" because it so happens that in the place where I am now—Xining and the surrounding area—you do sometimes hear this greeting).

In books about chinese culture, you occasionally encounter the following explanation for the "Have you eaten?" question: during China's history, people often suffered from famines, or had to struggle to find enough food for their family, and hence the time of a person's previous meal became a very real and important topic. I don't believe this myth at all. The part about food shortage might be true, but China isn't the only country to have experienced famines over the last few centuries. More than ten percent of Ireland's population died during the famine of the late 1840s, but these days the Irish don't go around asking each other "How many potatoes have you eaten today?" When you consider the chinese habit of using a question as a greeting, and the fact that there are at least 7 or 8 hours of the day when you can reasonably ask "Have you eaten?", and add to this the importance of food and drink in chinese culture, it is no surprise that this question is so common.

Depending on the context—place, time, person, etc—there are lots of questions that can serve as greetings: "Have you got a class?", "Did you just finish class?", "Are you going to work?", etc. It's okay to ask questions where the answer is perfectly obvious, such as "Don't you have an umbrella?", or (when you see somebody coming out of their dormitory with a thermos) "Are you going to fetch water?". A one word answer is all that's required, and all that's expected. Somebody once asked me "Do you still live in the same place?" and I was a bit confused and gave them a very long answer. Afterwards, my friend who had heard the whole thing explained that it was just another kind of greeting, and an answer of "ng" would have been sufficient! In some situations, a greeting can just be a statement such as "You've come!" (or "You've come back!"), to which the person addressed can simply reply affirmatively: "I've come!"

A Proper Answer

Chinese have a reputation for often relying on sounds (like a, o, ng) to express themselves, and to some extent this is true. The sound ng with a falling tone can serve as a response in many situations, meaning variously "okay", "thankyou", "yes", etc. To english speakers this probably seems like a lazy way to answer, but in China it's somewhat more acceptable. There are chinese characters to represent all these sounds, and some authors and playwrights use them quite frequently in dialogue.

"When your guest departs, you should see them to the front door of the building, or to the elevator at the very least."

Certainly this is true for formal visits, or the first time somebody visits you at home. The further you see somebody off, the more respectful it is. You might even see them to a bus stop and wait until a bus comes (for bonus courtesy points, try to pay for their fare!), and if they have a private car then you should wait until they have driven away before you turn around. The guest, in turn, should try to decline the courtesy by saying "No need to see me off!". Generally, you shouldn't say this until it is clear that the host is going to try to see you off—to say it earlier would seem presumptious.

Common farewells to a guest are "Goodbye", "Go carefully" (or "Drive carefully"), and "Come again". You can also say these to customers leaving a shop or restaurant.

If the person is a friend who has visited you a few times before, then you don't have to see them off. But to show that they haven't forgotten this courtesy entirely, people will often say "I won't see you off". To this, the guest should quickly reply "No need to see me off!", as if the thought had never crossed their mind.

 
So the 'ng' will work for anything, eh? When you ask people around here how you should answer these 'unasked' questions, thir first reactions is silence and some thought. It is so much a language habit that they don't know what they do.
Wally
12.10.2004 , 12:15


I hear people say hi (hai) and hey (hei) often enough - perhaps because I'm on a college campus? I've heard it even from middle-aged people, though. That said, "Are you going to class?" and "Did you just finish class?" and "Have you eaten?" etc. are much more common. I'll try to pay attention to when exactly I hear the his and heys.

I'm a big fan of the "ng". Back during high school, my mother would tell me to answer her questions rather than grunting in response... how different things are here in China!
Carly
12.10.2004 , 23:29


why do chineses people eat dog is it like eating sdnails in france be cause its a delicacy
ursula from new zealand []
08.06.2005 , 17:22


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